If you have spent any time on the mental health side of the internet recently, you have likely seen people talking about "Attachment Theory." It has become one of the most popular psychological frameworks of our time, and for good reason: it gives people a direct, scientifically backed explanation for why they keep repeating the exact same relationship mistakes.
Why You Keep Having the Same Fight: Understanding the 4 Attachment Styles
What Is Attachment theory?
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that the way our primary caregivers responded to our needs when we were infants created a "blueprint" in our brains. As adults, we unconsciously use this exact same blueprint to navigate romantic relationships, close friendships, and even workplace dynamics.
While it can feel a bit like a personality test, attachment theory is actually deeply rooted in trauma and nervous system regulation. Your attachment style isn't necessarily who you are; rather, it dictates how your nervous system responds when you feel a threat to your connection with someone else.
If you want to understand your relationship patterns, you have to look at how you behave when you are triggered. Here is a breakdown of the four adult attachment styles, and exactly how they react when conflict arises.
1. Secure Attachment: The Grounded Communicator
People with a secure attachment style grew up with caregivers who were consistently responsive and emotionally available. Because of this, they deeply believe that they are worthy of love and that other people are generally reliable.
When Triggered: When a secure person experiences conflict, their nervous system does not go into a complete tailspin. They might feel angry, hurt, or disappointed, but they remain relatively regulated.
Their reaction: They lean into the problem, not away from it. They clearly state their feelings without playing games, attacking, or shutting down.
What it looks like: "I felt really hurt when you didn't call me back last night. Can we talk about it?
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: The Pursuer
Individuals with an anxious attachment style often had caregivers who were inconsistent, sometimes warm and present, sometimes emotionally unavailable or intrusive. As adults, they crave deep intimacy but are constantly terrified of abandonment. Their nervous system is hyper-vigilant, always scanning their partner's tone or texting habits for signs of rejection.
When Triggered: When an anxiously attached person senses distance (e.g., a partner is quiet, or a text goes unanswered for hours), their internal alarm system screams danger.
Their reaction: They attempt to soothe their anxiety by clinging and pursuing. They need immediate reassurance that the relationship is safe.
What it looks like: Double-texting, asking "Are you mad at me?" repeatedly, compromising their own boundaries just to keep the peace, or picking a fight just to get an emotional reaction (because negative attention feels safer than distance).
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: The Distancer
Those with an avoidant attachment style typically had caregivers who were emotionally distant, dismissive, or shamed them for expressing needs. To survive, the child learned to shut down their emotional needs and rely entirely on themselves. As adults, they associate intimacy with a loss of independence and often feel suffocated when someone gets too close.
When Triggered: When an avoidantly attached person feels overwhelmed by a partner's demands, or when a relationship starts getting "too serious," their nervous system perceives vulnerability as a massive threat.
Their reaction: They withdraw, stonewall, and create physical or emotional distance to regain a sense of safety and control.
What it looks like: Shutting down during an argument, suddenly focusing on a partner's minor flaws to justify breaking up, using work or hobbies to avoid intimacy, or responding to a partner's distress with cold logic instead of empathy.
4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: The Push-Pull
This style is often the result of significant childhood trauma, abuse, or deeply chaotic caregiving. For the disorganized child, the caregiver was both the source of safety and the source of profound fear. As adults, they are caught in a torturous paradox: they desperately crave love, but they are absolutely terrified of it.
When Triggered: Because they have no cohesive strategy for getting their needs met, a disorganized person's response to stress is highly erratic.
Their reaction: They oscillate rapidly between anxious and avoidant behaviors. They will pull a partner in close, but the moment they feel safe, the intimacy triggers panic, and they abruptly push the partner away.
What it looks like: High-conflict relationships, self-sabotaging a perfectly healthy dynamic because it feels "too calm" (which their brain interprets as the calm before the storm), or dissociating during arguments.
Moving Toward "Earned Security"
If you recognize yourself in one of the insecure attachment styles (Anxious, Avoidant, or Disorganized), it is crucial to offer yourself deep self-compassion. You are not broken; your brain simply developed a brilliant survival strategy based on the environment you were in.
More importantly, your attachment style is not a life sentence.
Through a process called neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain to develop an "Earned Secure" attachment style. This happens by intentionally bringing awareness to your triggers, learning to regulate your nervous system, and experiencing consistently safe relationships.
Therapy is often the missing link in this process. Unpacking decades-old relational trauma can be overwhelming to do alone. Through our telehealth practice, you can work with a trauma-informed therapist to identify your attachment blueprints and learn concrete tools to communicate your needs without shutting down or spiraling. Because you can log in from your own safe space, telehealth offers an incredibly grounding environment to do this vulnerable work.
You don't have to keep having the same fight. Understanding your triggers is the first step toward building the safe, connected relationships you deserve.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 52(4), 664-678.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010).Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.
Notice the Spiral Before It Happens. How are you feeling right now?
The Pursuer (Anxious Attachment Trigger)
The Body: Rapid heartbeat, tight chest, shallow breathing, restless energy in your hands or legs.
The Brain: "If I don't fix this right this second, they are going to leave me forever."
The Pivot: Do not send that text. Put your phone in another room for 15 minutes. Try "Box Breathing" (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) to tell your nervous system that you are physically safe right now.
The Distancer (Avoidant Attachment Trigger)
The Body: Clenched jaw, a feeling of heaviness or numbness, brain fog, sudden exhaustion.
The Brain: "They are asking for too much. I am better off dealing with this completely alone."
The Pivot: Do not just walk out or hang up—that triggers your partner's panic. State a clear boundary with a return time. Say: "I am feeling overwhelmed and need a timeout to process. I am going to take 30 minutes, and then we can talk."
The Push-Pull (Disorganized Attachment Trigger)
The Body: Dizziness, hot/cold flashes, feeling entirely disconnected from your body (dissociation).
The Brain: "I need them to survive, but they are going to hurt me."
The Pivot: Stop trying to solve the relationship problem right now. Focus entirely on your physical surroundings. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
The Grounded Communicator (Secure Response)
The Body: Normal breathing, grounded feet, able to maintain eye contact even though it is uncomfortable.
The Brain: "I am upset, but conflict is normal. We can figure this out."
The Pivot: Lead with vulnerability. Use "I" statements instead of "You" accusations. For example, say "I felt dismissed when you said that," instead of "You always dismiss me."
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